Mobile phones and social media platforms are useful tools for busy Angelenos, but while mastering the new modes of communication have we forgotten how to use the old ones? Take the standard automobile horn lodged in the steering wheel of the car that is a second home to so many of us in Los Angeles; does anyone know what that thing is for? Some people say they are there for safety – but unless you’re in a “Speed” type of movie where your car will explode if you go below a certain decibel level, it’s hard to see how making a loud sound is going to save your life. So should we just get rid of the things? No! The automobile-horn can be quite useful – if you know how to use it. Below are 10 handy tips for how to honk that horn in a way communicates your cultural currency as well as the thing you are trying to communicate:

  1. If you see someone texting while driving, honk your phone number to them, so when they text you “What?” you can text back “Stop texting!”
  2. During awards season, it is acceptable to honk at people and show them what screeners you have in your car.
  3. When driving on Hollywood Boulevard, you may honk at anyone who appears to be admiring the stars on the Walk of Fame without any cynicism. Idiots!
  4. If you see someone driving with their lights off at night, chances are they are a poor person who can’t afford new light bulbs. Don’t honk at them in a chastising manner; keep it positive by blaring that horn supportively at everyone who DID remember to turn them on. The others will get the message and strive to do better.
  5. When you see a celebrity driving, you MUST honk at him or her. How else are celebrities supposed to know you appreciate them?
  6. If you drive by a street that is closed for a film shoot, you should honk in case they are doing an urban drama in which a honking sound would add texture. You may get IMDB credit as a foley artist.
  7. If you see a car with New York license plates, you may honk to let the driver know you have also spent time there.
  8. If you drive by a Scientology facility, do NOT honk at them, no matter how skeptical you are of their message. Instead, show them you don’t take them seriously by honking every time you run over a Thetan.
  9. If a mentally ill homeless person walks in front of your car, do NOT honk at him or her.  Your intentions might be good, but what they need is professional help. Instead, drive by the nearest homeless shelter and honk to let them know you found them some more business.
  10. If you see a coyote, honk at it. Probably it runs away, I don’t know. It’s kind of cool.
  11. (BONUS) If you actually are in a “Speed” type situation in which a terrorist has rigged your automobile with an explosive that will detonate if the car’s sound goes below a certain decibel level, by all means DO honk. I didn’t mean to sound dismissive about that earlier.

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