squareThe thing is that I’m way better than all those dumb animals that got stuck in the tar pit.

What were those animals even trying to do as they stepped into the tar? What was their goal? They were probably just like, “Oh hey, I’m a stupid Woolly mammoth and I want to plunge my four ton body into a pit of tar for no reason.” I, on the other hand, have a very clear goal: swim one length across the pit impressing all my peers and causing a local media sensation, possibly even a viral video.

My middle school swim team coach ALWAYS assigned me backstroke in relays because of my excellent technique, and that technique is exactly what would propel me across the tar pit and safely to the other shore. The only technique a Woolly mammoth has is to yell loudly through its trunk to signal its family to make a futile rescue attempt. Stupid.

I know ‘I’m smarter than a Woolly mammoth’ is exactly what all those wolves thought who would go in after them and also get stuck while eating the mammoth – but here’s the thing – I’m also smarter than the wolves. First, I’m not going to try to attack and eat anything while in the tar pit, that’s an unnecessary distraction and frankly the wolves got what was coming to them. Second, wolves can only swim one way, whereas I have backstroke and breaststroke nailed, my freestyle is totally passing and if push comes to shove I can do like ten seconds of butterfly.

In conclusion: wolves are stupid, Woolly mammoths are hella stupid, I was a junior lifeguard for three summers and I’m ready to become a tar pit celebrity.