With as many as two NFL teams moving to Los Angles in the upcoming year, the city is gearing up to handle the inevitable spike in domestic abuse.
On January 12th NFL owners approved a plan that would move the Rams back to LA in 2016, with the Chargers potentially joining them in 2017, each bringing untold amounts of brutality to the innocent people around them. While the city is excited for the undeniable boost in tax revenue that these teams could bring, they understand that some of that revenue must be invested in preventing members of those teams from assaulting woman and children.
Mayor Eric Garcetti commented, “We can not deny the dangers that come with an NFL team, but this time we will be ready. We promise to go above and beyond to keep our citizens safe.”
A special PSA is being prepared to warn people of the potential danger in becoming romantically involved with a NFL player. Former NFL running back and documented wife beater, Ray Rice, has been hired to consult on the project. Rice commented, ”Hopefully I can redeem myself by giving insight into the behavior of a raging asshole, and helping others identify when we become a threat to their safety.”
Los Angeles county emergency operators are being trained in a new NFL protocol for player related 911 calls. Operators will assign top priority to callers that mention the words “NFL,” “Football,” or “Brain Damage.” A quick response by local authorities will hopefully allow victims to express their side of the story before the NFL actively covers up the incident.
The LAPD is even planning to form a rare investigative unit to work on these cases. It will be made up of detectives who hate sports and respect woman. Unfortunately, it could take months to find six detectives that meet these qualifications in order to staff the unit.
With as many as 106 NFL players on the way, a rise in domestic abuse is coming. However, as of press time, a city hall spokesperson claimed they have over 30 additional anti-abuse initiatives in the works. “Maybe then domestic abuse will only go up 3 or 4 percent.”
