Thursday Afternoon, during a tour of Griffith Observatory’s East Side Telescope, Associate Astronomer, Terry Cullen, turned the 81-year-old telescope from Mars in the south-eastern sky to Venice beach in search of, what he called, “some sweet, sweet butts.”
“While the night sky gives us a clear view of countless celestial bodies, this same telescope can also glimpse dozens of far sexier bodies, over on the Santa Monica pier, if you know what I mean.” Terry Cullen grinned to a tour of teenagers bussed in from a Burbank district high school.
Terry studied physics and astronomy at Stanford; it was there he first fell in love with the night sky. Terry came to Griffith because he claims he had seen all the exquisite rumps of northern California. Also, to escape Stanford’s allegations of sexual misconduct.
“More people have looked through the 12-inch Zeiss refracting telescope than any other telescope in the world.” Terry continues his tour, “The Griffith Observatory is not just one of the most visible Los Angeles landmarks, but also an historical site woven into the fabric of what makes this a great city. And you can get in really close to women’s be-hinds.”
The telescope has famously been used to observe transient lunar phenomenon, various solar and lunar eclipses, including this past summer’s recent total lunar eclipse of a blood moon; an event attended by a few thousand stargazers. And if you point it towards Long Beach, “you can totally see this one lady’s fine posterior.”
“Heavy smog days unfortunately limit what we can see overhead, and cold days limit what we can see down below… because most women are covered up.” Laments Terry Cullen.
“Typically, we move the telescope roughly 4 times per day, as it is a lengthy process and consumes a lot of power.” Edwin C. Krupp, the Griffith Director explains, “You plan out what you would like to observe over a given night to save time and electricity. Terry Cullen, on the other hand moves the telescope 47 times each day. From Malibu, down the Pacific Coast, past Venice, Hermosa, even into Orange County. All just to see more tushies.”
Terry Cullen instructs while leading a group of eager tourists over to the telescope, “As you can see here, those blurry points in the Virgo constellation are actually clusters of galaxies roughly 53 light years away. And over here this sleek pink bikini makes you think that if you could just pull that string it would come right off! Ooh you just want to get in there with some suntan lotion… Oh shit. She’s looking this way! Ahh shit, do you think she sees us? Let’s skedaddle!” Cullen nervously adjusts his tie and nonchalantly scurries away.