Whether you’ve got plans to head up to Malibu for a relaxing weekend getaway or just over to Ralph’s to get some grocery shopping done, you can forget about driving there because Mayor Eric Garcetti has just announced that every street in LA is shutting down next Friday through Sunday for some fucking thing.
“We are working closely with whoever the organizer of this fucking thing is to ensure that everything goes as smoothly as possible,” Garcetti said. “Whatever is happening, the minor inconvenience of not being able to use your car for even the most minor of errands will surely be worth it.”
A coordinated effort will be made by LADOT to allow Angelenos easy access to the fucking thing next weekend. Bruce Gillman released a statement regarding the operations of all public transit: “To better accommodate this fucking thing next weekend, the number of running Metro train cars will be increased over the weekend.”
This news comes as a relief to the many Los Angeles residents who frequently use the Metro and know that trains usually arrive every 20 minutes. Added Gillman, “Trains will now be running every 18 minutes.”
Of course, there will be virtually no way for people to make it to the Metro stations from your homes, as every street will still be shut down. For those of you hoping to use the buses, Gillman had an update on that as well. “All buses will be running, but it’s highly unlikely that any of them will be able to move as they’ll be lined up bumper-to-bumper on non-functional streets.”
“It doesn’t bother me,” local Los Feliz resident, Nikki Flowers, said. “I bike everywhere anyway.”
As Flowers was being quoted, Garcetti released an additional statement saying that, “All bicycle paths will also be shut down, as this fucking thing is highly intolerant of bicycles.”
Flowers shook it off, saying that it would be a nice change of pace to walk to her favorite places that weekend.
Garcetti continued, “Did I say just the streets were closed? I meant the sidewalks too. The streets and sidewalks will be closed.”
There have been no reports yet of what this fucking thing will be. Just know that whatever it is, it will get in your way, no matter who you are.
For those of you hoping to attend, the fucking thing will span just 2 blocks on La Brea between Pico and Olympic.
