On Monday, Gabriel Pierce had her prayer answered after she saw a man speed by her on Wilshire Boulevard and prayed that he’d crash and die. Less than 15 seconds later, God granted Pierce’s prayer, blowing out the Mercedes GLA’s front tire, causing it to flip in the air, the driver to be ejected from the car, where his body was then hit by a TMZ tour bus, and left in the street.
“Sometimes you have to make a snap decision when a prayer comes in.” Said a stern God, “I looked at the facts, thought he was driving like a total dick, and said, ‘yeah, I’m gonna kill him,’ and I think I was right to do so.”
An eye witness verified the driver of the Mercedes was driving like a real son of a bitch. “I saw him speeding up on my ass and flashed his lights at me, like I had to move. Then he did that thing where he changed lanes to go around me, but got real close to my bumper, so close that I had to swerve to make sure he didn’t hit me. Next thing I know his car is flying through the air, and his body’s ejected from it like a rag doll and I was like, ‘Yes! Thank you!'”
“I’ll be careful what I pray for in the future that’s for sure.” Said Gabriel Pierce who watched as a road crew pressure washed the driver’s obliterated bones and skin off the street. “I don’t want bad things to happen to people except people who drive like assholes. I hope they burn in hell.”
A spokesman for God, Archbishop José Horacio Gómez confirmed the total dick of a driver is burning in hell, “Driving in a way that makes other drivers both fearful and angry is an eternal sin, one which God will not forgive and salvation becomes impossible. In the eyes of God, driving like a dick is worse than premeditated murder.”
A Paramedic at the scene confirmed no one else had been injured in the accident, but said the driver of the Mercedes likely died slowly and painfully. “The initial impact didn’t shut off his brain or make him pass out. Maybe he had a chance to think about why he drove like a total prick in his last painful moments on earth.”
When asked if she was going to pray for anything else, Pierce responded, “Probably that the people at grocery stores who don’t have their form of payment ready after the cashier has rung them up get leprosy.”