Onlookers say they witnessed an act of god during the one of the worst rush hours of the year after 340 individual cars pulled to the side of the northbound 405 when a black BMW blasted its horn repeatedly at the completely immobile surrounding cars, convincing the equally frustrated drivers in the traffic jam to get the fuck out of the way and let this guy through.
“It was like a choreographed dance,” witness Tyler Pitker recalled shortly after the marvel occurred. “Kinda like Swan Lake, but more exhaust? I dunno, those moves are usually reserved for ambulances and fire trucks, but this had more urgency because this guy was much more deserving.”
Patty Elson, a 35-year-old single mother from Culver City, was driving to her job in Reseda at the time of the miracle. “I was late for work because my kid was sick, and I was worried about having my pay docked,” Elson explained. “But when I heard that BMW honk, I knew that guy must have much more critical things to get to, and I cleared my Toyota as fast as I could.” Elson added that when she “heard his revving engine rip through the air in an environmentally destructive and completely unnecessary manner, I knew I’d done the right thing.”
The Institute of Transportation Studies at UCLA have found that people in elite German cars indeed have much more important places to go than their middle-class counterparts. A 2014 study revealed that drivers who spend at least $50,000 on a car are almost certainly using their vehicle to make the world a better place, those who spend over $100,000 eclipse the capacity for entitlement altogether, and the small few who spend over $200,000 can do no wrong at all, period. The study also submits that a car’s vital elements, like the color contrast between the seat leather and its stitching, further prove that the driver is “like, VERY important.”
At time of press, the BMW was confirmed to have an interior of red stitching on black leather and was last seen en route to Nobu cutting off a student driver.
