Industry hangers-on are clamoring after word spread Sunday that talent agency assistant Brad Jaskolski can “totally hook it up,” referring of course to the much-hyped Star Wars: The Force Awakens world premiere taking place today in Hollywood. The star-studded event is one of the hottest tickets of the year, which will be no sweat for the 22-year-old wünderkind known as a “hustler” by his former mailroom colleagues.
“Yeah dude, I can get you in, and if any of your buddies want to come with, I’ll take care of them too,” confirmed Jaskolski when reached for comment. The 2015 University of Arizona graduate explained that since his boss reps one of the actors, it will be super chill to arrange for red carpet access and a plus one to the after party, not to mention a sweet Uber Black referral code.
“It’s gonna be epic. You didn’t hear this from me, but don’t be surprised if there’s a working prototype broadsword lightsaber signed by Adam [Driver] in the VIP gift bags.”
The highly connected assistant initially extended the opportunity to his immediate network before taking the invitation wide this weekend. Longtime friend of the family Connie Jennings was amongst the first wave of invitees and explained that she is flying in from Reno specifically to take selfies in front of the step and repeat alongside beloved franchise stars in full costume, as her Little Bradley promised. “Three words: C. Friggin’. 3PO.”
Details have been sparse about the exclusive event, which has brought extensive street closures to Hollywood Boulevard, impeding traffic and even causing one of the Spider-Men in front of the Chinese Theater to describe the disruption to his work as “shitty.” Despite heightened security and Disney’s tight-lipped secrecy—including their refusal to announce which Walk of Fame theater will actually host the screening—the über-competent Jaskolski assured Hence.LA that he should have absolutely no issue bringing a few dozen extra friends and will even be able to delay the screening by 30 minutes to accommodate his buddy Joe, who will be driving from the west side.
“My—I mean our—client is tight with the casting director who is like buddies with J.J. [Abrams], so I basically control the list. Plus they obviously won’t start until everyone’s seated, that’d just be bad PR.” Citing obvious reasons, Jaskolski refrained from disclosing the names of either his boss or the client in question, but hinted that the star should have at least four minutes of screen time in Episode VII.
Members of Jaskolski’s expanding #SkywalkerSquad feel grateful for the opportunity. “I can’t wait to sit on George Lucas’ lap and ask him for a baby tauntaun for Christmas,” said his second-to-last Tinder date, Ashley K. “At first I was surprised he offered, but Brad said it’s just a perk of being in the biz.”
