The Institute of Transportation Studies at UCLA, concluded a 5 year comprehensive examination on traffic in LA County, and have definitively found that 97% of all traffic is the direct cause of the car right in front of you. According to the lead researcher, Dr. Paria Pillay, “After extensive tests, most of the traffic on the streets of LA could be prevented if it weren’t for that piece of shit car in front of you.”
“At first we thought the causes of traffic would result from a multitude of factors. However, it turns out the main contributor is the car, directly in the path of where you need to be going, being a complete turd bucket.”
“It doesn’t matter if you are looking at the bumper of a Hyundai, Mercedes, Vespa, or a Toyota Prius,” states Dr. Pillay, later adding “Especially those dick-stains in the Toyota Prius.” while slamming her hand on her desk. “If only that asshole would move up all this traffic could be avoided.”
The make of the car is not a factor, but the size of the car is. Dr. Pillay explains, “Let’s say the car in front of you is a sedan, well, they are a piece of shit. Ergo, if a van or a truck is in front of you, they are clearly a bigger piece of shit. Especially if you can’t see around their fat ass!”
“Unless there is a bus somewhere near you. Then it is the fault of the bus. Of course, if someone then cuts in front of you, all of the traffic around you is the cause of that douche nozzle.” Dr. Pillay adds.
Now that this study has concluded, when asked what The Institute of Transportation plans next, Dr. Pillay proposes, “to determine what the fuck the guy behind you thinks he’s doing!”
