Elaine Smith, an atheist socialite in L.A.’s historic Hancock Park district, spent in excess of $400,000 on a holiday party, “sure to offend no one.”

“I have friends of atheist, Christian, Jewish, and Kwanzaaian faiths,” she said proudly. “But with that kind of diverse social circle comes great responsibility. I had to ensure everyone felt comfortable at my holiday fete.” [Smith later called to demand a printed apology on her behalf in case the word “holiday” offends any readers].

What accounted for the most significant chunk of Smith’s budget came to appeasing those who grew up with a “Secular Christmas,” she said. “I cast 14 Santas, 120 elves, and 240 reindeer. I just wanted those who grew up with excess to feel super-included.”

Another cost of all-inclusivity came from the recreation of Mary, Joseph, and the “real live birth” in the Bethlehem reenactment. “Yeah, that’s for my Christian friends,” Smith said. “Hiring a woman to guarantee she can give birth at an exact date and time is tougher than you’d think. But we found our girl, and she was okay with no epidural! Anything to make my friends feel welcome!”

To acknowledge Kwanzaa, Smith spared no cost supplying kaftans, paintings, and fresh fruit, all items she gleaned from reading Wikipedia’s Kwanzaa entry. “I’d never really celebrated it before,” she admitted. “But I didn’t want its representation to be lacking.”

Though her guests enjoyed the Kwanzaa libations, they were a little less coordinated when it came to the passing of the chalice and the reading of the African Pledge.

“It turns out no one who attended actually celebrates Kwanzaa,” Smith said. “But hey, at least my guests had that option!”

Attendees of Smith’s holiday soiree admitted they were less concerned with respectful representations of their individual holiday beliefs and more focused on the bar.
“I just want a Grey Goose and tonic,” Jack Padack said. “I don’t really know which part of the party would have that.”

Despite the blow to her billfold, Smith said the party was a success. “Even thought it cost me a lot of money, I sent the message to all my friends that I will respect and honor their beliefs, no matter what the cost.”