22 year-old Jolene Robertson remains in intensive care this weekend, still suffering from the wounds of a Christmas dinner conversation that veered out of control. Suspected to be under the influence, Jolene’s father Pete Robertson assaulted his daughter with an hour-long account of new relationship with girlfriend Judith Moore, beginning with their meeting at the produce section of the local Albertson’s and spanning over 6 months to include each of their intimate liaisons at Mr. Robertson’s recently renovated one bedroom apartment. Detailed acts were described including heavy petting, submarine races and the breaking of Jolene’s childhood bed. The collision left Ms. Robertson with bruised vision, a fractured parent-child understanding, broken ideals and 3rd degree long-term memory burns.
“I just thought I’d come home to a quiet winter break with friends and family,” the sophomore UC Santa Barbara Economics major states. “I didn’t think I’d be subjected to so much pain.”
Eyewitnesses were in an equal state of shock.
“The only thing that’s helped me cope has been my nightly martinis,” stated Aunt Carol.
“This is why I always take my hearing aids out at the dinner table,” commented Granny Peterson.
In addition to brain and eye injuries incurred, Jolene was born with a very rare birth defect in the gag reflex region which was also strained that evening and will require lifelong treatment. Jolene declined to press charges and instead has requested her father’s reimbursement of the couples therapy she’ll inevitably need.
Ms. Robertson’s physician predicted she would be discharged from critical care soon, but the damage is permanent. “You never fully recover from traumatic events like that,” Dr. Neff commented. “A patient three Thanksgivings ago heard about a late night meetup between his mother and her gardener and he’s still taking medication for it.”
When asked Pete Robertson declined to comment, but did recount a ten-minute story about oral intercourse at a softball game.
